Saturday, September 12, 2015

some witty subject line about life changes

many people were thinking about september 11th this week, but i was thinking about september 10th.  it was a year ago when i went to my doctor and he told me i had lost 10 pounds.  i thought that if i started walking for 15 minutes a day on my treadmill, i could lose some more weight.  now it's a year later.  3 days a week, i go outside and run 3/4 of a mile and walk 1/4 of a mile for a total of 4 miles.  the other days, i jog in place for 50 minutes while i watch a streaming tv show.  it's not the best of workouts, but it's what i can do for now.  i just want to be in shape enough that it won't be so hard to be in shape.  i know it's always going to suck, but it's hard to exercise when you're fat.  it hurts.  at my heaviest, i was 240ish pounds (fat people don't love getting on the scale, so that's the best of my recollection).  now i'm 190, but i've been stuck at 190 for a while, and it's hard not to get depressed at having plateaued.  i could still use to lose another 50 pounds  i try to eat better/less, but that fluctuates.  i still feel just as fat as i always have.  i'm not sure that will ever go away.

i'm trying to make other changes in my life too.

i'm going to start going to a small group at my church.  at first i was really anxious, but now i'm really looking forward to it.  i'd like to go to the sunday morning services with people my age, but there's a fair amount of anxiety about where i would sit, and it's just easier to make my parents happy.

most of my life is about anxiety and just doing what other people expect of me because it's easier.

i'm supposed to go to a knitting group this week, but i've quit knitting.  i'm so tired of people asking me to make things for them and telling me what to knit, that it's just not enjoyable anymore.  i've been trying to come up with something to take with me this week, but there are so many patterns and yarn that it's overwhelming.  and what do i do when i'm overwhelmed?  i shut down and do nothing and wait for everyone to tell me how i'm making mountains out of molehills.  it's what i do.  oh, and sleep.  i'm really good at that.

i look forward to weekends all week long, but they're so depressing.  i have nowhere to be and nothing to do but sleep and be faced with loneliness and all the housework that i should be doing.  i spend saturdays lazing around and sundays doing the minimal amount of housework that i can do so i don't feel like a totally gross human being.  i still do, though.

being an adult feels really hard.  i don't like it at all.

i don't know why i even wrote all this crap down.  the only people who care about any of this already know all of this.  i used to be a writer, but i just don't even care anymore.

my cat is sleeping, maybe i should be too.

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

the obligatory end-of-the-year post

at the risk of sounding cheesy, what a year it's been!  let's recap, shall we?

auld lang syne:  last new year's was fraught with mixed feelings.  2013 had been a year filled with more change than anyone should have to endure, and change hurts.  even when it's for the better.  it was good to be rid of an incredibly toxic professional relationship, but there was a lot of painful detritus left behind.  also, zero changes in the romantic relationship department left a single me wanting more.

depression is depressing:  last spring, my psych appointments went from 0 dollars to 170 dollars.  thanks, affordable care act.  i'm not blaming obama or getting on a soapbox about big pharma, but sometimes life just sucks.  so i quit taking my antidepressants.  getting off of them was harder than being off of them, but i still cry every day, and at any given time.  the worst, is my irritability and anger.  they constantly threaten relationships, whether work, family, friend, or otherwise.  it's been a long rocky road.  i could fill pages with pros and cons of taking/not taking antidepressants, but i won't.  i just have to choose to live every day.  also, if you suffer from depression, you shouldn't watch the movie The Skeleton Twins.  I sobbed through the whole movie.  It was really good though, you should watch it.

last crush standing:  i love laughter.  i love sweet, kind, cute, beautiful, doe-eyed boys who make me laugh.  so naturally, i fell in love with joe machi from last comic standing (see previous blog entries).  it was stupid, i know.  plenty of people told me so, and plenty of people told me it wasn't, but either way, here we are.  i couldn't make him fall in love with the awesomeness that is darcy, so i'm just left pining for him until i can make myself stop.  i could spend all day thinking would've/should've/could've (and sometimes i do), but suffice it to say, i won't be going to new york any time soon.

let's get physical, physical:  when i went to the doctor in september, he told me i had lost 10 pounds.  i'm sure it probably had to do with being off antidipressants, but i thought "gosh, if i lost 10 pounds without trying, maybe i could lose more if i actually tried."  it also occurred to me that i owned a treadmill.  so i started walking 15 minutes every day.  fast forward to now:  i get on the treadmill 4-5 days a week, go 2.25-2.5 miles, and run 8-10 tenth of a mile stretches.  people say things to me like "don't you feel better now that you're exercising?" no, i really, really don't.  i use 3 different muscle creams, do stretches, take magnesium (keeping ripe bananas in the house is impossible), take days off, and i still hurt.  also, if you're asking, my depression hasn't lessened, and i still hate exercise.  i will never not hate exercise.  just like i'll never love life.  i'm not one of those people.  that's not my lot in life.  i have to get up every day and chew through the restraints, because at some point, i hope that the benefits will outweigh the pain.

from betty to veronica:  for a long time, my hair was platinum blonde.  i aimed for the color that pink had, an almost silvery white blonde.  but that's exhausting.  so i started going back to my natural color, a dirty blonde.  after a few months of that color, i remembered why i hated it.  so on the day i met joe machi, i became a brunette.  it felt very vixenish, and i like it a lot (said like Jim Carrey in both dumb and dumber movies).  i've had tons of compliments on it.  it makes me feel like an adult, though several people have said it makes me look younger.

the great flood:  so on the second (week)day of my two week vacation (a week ago today)(2 days before Christmas), i started a load of laundry, and went into the other room to watch tv.  i went back, when i thought the load would be finished, only to discover that it had never stopped filling.  it was bad.  my whole (carpeted) dining area was flooded.  and it even seeped over to my neighbor's apartment.  he thought it would be awesome to come over and yell at me about it.  there are a hundred reasons it could've sucked worse, but it still sucked pretty bad.  on a related note, i'm thinking about going into the carpet drying profession, because it's clearly very lucrative.  so i'm waiting to hear back from the insurance claims adjuster, and the part for my washer should be in tomorrow, but i'm ready to put this whole mess behind me.

so i'm sure a hundred other important things happened to me this year, but those are the ones that stick out.  i'm currently the worst i've ever been and simultaneously the best i've ever been.  to use the motto/mantra i've given myself (or rather stolen from samuel beckett):  i can't go on, i'll go on.

stay tuned for the obligatory "i think resolutions are stupid, but i'm doing some anyway" post.

Monday, December 1, 2014

it was twenty years ago today, Sergeant Pepper taught the band to play...

i can't believe it's been (almost) 20 years since the New Year's Eve fiasco of 1994.

as it turns out, i'm still that same 14-year-old little girl.  

i still feel scared and alone.  i still feel like an outsider, trying to fit in.  i still try to be friends with people who don't want to be friends with me.  i still feel just as ugly as i did with glasses and braces and terrible hair.  i'm still attracted to the same quirky boys who aren't attracted to me.  i still haven't learned how to talk to boys, and i don't know how to be what they want.

you know what has changed?

i'm losing hope.

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Joe Machi IS a man

so i finally got to meet (my crush) Joe Machi this weekend.

after being encouraged (by Lachlan) that i should go for it with Joe, paula went right up to Joe (after we had already visited and taken a photo) and said what a big fan i was and how much i liked him, and would he meet with us for drinks so he could chat with me?  They had to leave for St. Louis that night, but here's the thing:

He showed up.

he didn't have to agree to come, or even show up after he agreed.  he could've politely declined for a hundred reasons, but he didn't.  he showed up.

don't get me wrong, i know that it didn't mean anything to him.  i know that i'm awkward and weird and just some stupid girl from the midwest who doesn't even know how to talk to guys at the age of 34, but he was nice to me.

he sat there and talked to us about his life and future and past.  and i was so nervous, and said stupid things.  but in the aftermath, it feels like one of the kindest things that anyone's done for me.

when i was a kid, i got made fun of a lot--to the point where it affected who i am today.  so when Joe's friend, who has a podcast, asks listeners to send in emails, particularly with the subject "Joe Machi is not a man," (because why? because he has a higher voice or is different? i like his voice) it makes me sad.  I don't really care if it is in jest.

His kindness makes him more of a man than anyone i know.

so Joe, if you're out there reading this...thanks.  and if you're ever in my neck of the woods again (or vice versa), maybe i can treat you to Denny's. =)

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

so...Robin Williams..., or, we need to talk about depression

on the day robin williams died, katrina parker tweeted a quote from Watership Down by Richard Adams:
"My heart has joined the Thousand, for my friend stopped running today."

the death of robin williams broke my heart.  not because he was robin williams, but because he was human.  he lost the race.  he suffered from the same disease i do, and he didn't make it.

so here's the thing.  i'm not going to talk about robin williams.  i'm going to talk about depression.

*note: i'm not going to talk about the science of it--the seratonin, norepinephrine, etc.  if you want the information, it's out there.

i appreciate the honest discussions that are happening on social media right now, and hopefully, in real life.  i would hope that anyone who's a skeptic about depression, whether they know me or not, would read this with an open mind.  because you know someone who suffers from this.  i guarantee it.

some people don't understand depression.  i get that.  it's confusing.  any medical professional, anybody who's ever watched an episode of House, or anybody who has a brain, knows that the brain can be a tricky thing.  it's confusing in that an otherwise normal person can suffer from a bout of depression after a life altering event, and then get better.  it's confusing in that depression has become a blanket word for any type of sadness or grief or symptoms thereof.  it's the kleenex of mental diseases.  it's confusing because it lies--but i'll get to that later.

i have depression.  it is a chronic, lifelong disease that i will never be cured of.  my brain does not work right.

there are medications to help my brain work right.  there is behavioral therapy to help me unlearn the patterns that my faulty brain has taught me, and to help me cope with the pain it tells me to feel.  these things cost money.  a lot of money.  but that's a whole other discussion.  or is it?

with psychiatric medications, there's a fair amount of trial and error.  getting on and off medications can wreak havoc with your body and ruin relationships.  they also have lots of good old fashioned side effects.  but alas, i digress.

a friend of mine turned me onto some of Wil Wheaton's blog entries about depression.  he says that depression lies.  he's 100% right.  depression is a lying liar who lies.  it's like having a devil on your shoulder, only the calls are coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE.  i can't begin to explain what it's like to have a brain that tells you that you are the worst person in the world.  and it doesn't matter that i know my brain is doing this.  i hate myself.  i can't remember ever not hating myself.  and then people tell me i'm a terrible person for having low self esteem.

the worst part is when you hurt so bad that you can't hurt anymore and you feel so alone because you feel like you can't tell anyone because you've been too sad too many times and you know they don't want that any more.  they've said so.

or maybe the worst part is knowing i'm going to be alone forever.  because nobody could or should put up with this.  no matter how much i love, i'm always going to be the depression girl.

i can't talk much more about it, because i'm losing steam and attention span and starting to cry.  i want to post some links, though.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

joe machi and other things i have a crush on

here are some things i'm enamored with right now:

joe machi:  so if you haven't watched last comic standing, it sucks to be you.  all of the comics are hilarious, especially joe machi.  he makes me laugh so hard.  and he's adorable.  he has gorgeous big brown eyes and an adorable smile.  if anybody knows him and wants to set us up, i'm in!  no, seriously.

insane coaster wars on the travel channel:  recently discovered and love this show.  some of them make me scared to even watch (e.g. kingda ka at six flags new jersey--youtube it).  i thought about taking off and going to ride coasters at worlds of fun or silver dollar city when i'm on vacation in a couple of weeks, but i don't feel like driving that far and spending all day standing in line by myself.

hyperbole and a half--the book:  i got this for Christmas, but i've been stretching it out because i don't want it to end.  it will literally make you laugh and cry.  and i hate when people use the word literally.  even correctly.  seriously though, i've mentioned her bits on depression before, which are right on the money, and she's hysterical too.  like me.  only she can write and draw.

sam smith:  this dude's voice is like buttah.  and he's only 22.  best album i've heard all year.  and i listen to a lot of music.

blossom on the hub:  i watched this show when it was first on, and my friend melissa tipped me off that they were showing reruns on the hub channel.  i love it.  don't judge me.

birthday food freebies:  so my birthday is a week from today (ugh to getting older) and the freebies have started rolling into my email.  starbucks, ihop, great american cookie company, etc.  i heart free grub.

don't kill the magic by magic!:  i'm sure you've heard the song rude by magic! which is a great summer jam, but the whole album is great.  it's sort of faux reggae, or reggae lite, if you will.  it reminds me of the police a little.

i guess that's all for now.  only one more week until my birthday (blech!) and vacation (heck yeah!)

Monday, April 7, 2014

i used to be a writer

i lie in bed at night and think and think and think and think.  i sit at the computer and go blank.  i didn't mean for that to rhyme.  people who can't write use rhymes.  and also people that can.

i'm jealous of someone who gets to feel feelings again.  but that never works out for me.  i'm on a fair amount of medication and i still cry if someone on the voice gets saved.  depression will always be a part of who i am.  more than i wish it didn't have a stigma, i wish people understood it.  i don't choose it.  my brain makes me feel and think things that aren't true.  your advice will not help me.  it will only make me resentful.

i like to eat wafer cookies.  and peanut butter eggs.  but i can't pick between white chocolate and regular.

i wonder if i could ever love someone again.  even my friendships have always been spotty.  i'm not the easiest person to deal with.  i know that.  could i even trust someone?  what if they turn out to be a serial killer?  the wife never has any idea, it seems.

what would my profile say?  single, fat female seeks non-smoker who never wants kids and will put up with a ridiculous amount of neuroses and a crackhead cat?  preferably a chubby ginger that has tattoos and nerd glasses and knows how to read?

man, i could use a taco.  or, like, a mexican pizza.

i know that i've given up my muse to have a semblance of a normal life.  i know that i've given up freedom to have someone waiting for me at home.  i've given up having any dreams bigger than owning a car less than ten years old (ACHIEVED!), but i fear a future of hardships and losses, and wonder if i can go it alone.  i've given up on doing things my way.  it's too hard to keep fighting at every turn.

i can't give up pretending that people don't know i'm fat.  i can't give up love, love, LOVING sleep.  i can't give up buying books.  i can't give up wanting to be loved, even though i know what a terrible idea it is.  i can't give up imagining punching people every day.  i can't give up short hair, even though i know that straight men don't find it attractive.  i can't give up nostalgia.

i love the cold.  i love cardigans.  i love makeup.  i love adam levine.  i love james spader.  i love watching tv.  i love cake.  i love raw fish.

i hate it when people complain about everything all the time.  i hate it when people don't have a good work ethic.  i hate having writer's block and just rattling off the thoughts that bounce around in my head.