i'm trying to make other changes in my life too.
i'm going to start going to a small group at my church. at first i was really anxious, but now i'm really looking forward to it. i'd like to go to the sunday morning services with people my age, but there's a fair amount of anxiety about where i would sit, and it's just easier to make my parents happy.
most of my life is about anxiety and just doing what other people expect of me because it's easier.
i'm supposed to go to a knitting group this week, but i've quit knitting. i'm so tired of people asking me to make things for them and telling me what to knit, that it's just not enjoyable anymore. i've been trying to come up with something to take with me this week, but there are so many patterns and yarn that it's overwhelming. and what do i do when i'm overwhelmed? i shut down and do nothing and wait for everyone to tell me how i'm making mountains out of molehills. it's what i do. oh, and sleep. i'm really good at that.
i look forward to weekends all week long, but they're so depressing. i have nowhere to be and nothing to do but sleep and be faced with loneliness and all the housework that i should be doing. i spend saturdays lazing around and sundays doing the minimal amount of housework that i can do so i don't feel like a totally gross human being. i still do, though.
being an adult feels really hard. i don't like it at all.
i don't know why i even wrote all this crap down. the only people who care about any of this already know all of this. i used to be a writer, but i just don't even care anymore.
my cat is sleeping, maybe i should be too.